Dreams do come true
Again, I must say, for
I thought I only had one
(Visit Disneyland)
Yet, once you’d been under
That magical, whimsical spell
When the magic wand struck again
You couldn’t help but to wonder
What’s going on?

Only this time, you dreamt bigger
And so you never expected it to
   Come true!

“It was just a desire!”
I kept telling myself

Consciously pushing it away
A matter of fact
I wouldn’t even dare
To dream, to imagine
Only on paper did I dare
To explore, to be adventurous

So when it arrived
I couldn’t believe
This is really happening

I tried toning it down
This doesn’t do me any justice
Nor my dream any respect

I should just be
As I was saying
In my reflection
Among circle of friends

“No more trying
Just being!”
I advised!!!

HAHAHA!

Do I ever
Practise what I preach!!!

I had better
For my dream
To do something
In a yoga studio
With my book
Among circle of women
To inspire and be inspired
CAME TRUE ON A PERFECT SATURDAY EVENING!!!

Oh my, what a perfect night
What a serene sensation

With the most soothing voice
The instructor recited her hand-picked poems
From my very own book
Integrated with the most
Tranquil stillness of Yin Yoga
What more can I ask for?

My wish, my desire
Is to have women who
So solemnly deserved
Be still for a moment
Soak in peaceful prana (life energy)
Listen to my voice of plea
To really connect with their
Mind, body and soul

For each is a heroine
To her own family
Without them, family suffers
Husbands, children, pets,
Love is not complete

So a beautiful evening
With all these beautiful women
A perfect cleanse of mind, body and soul
We each held in harmony
C’est la viv

That, my utmost desire
My gift to mankind
To nurture, nourish and regenerate
The light, heart and soul of flagship
To each of their family they are

I salute, to these women
My friends, sisters and comrades
Thank you for making
My dream came true!

Last day of 2011!
Have I accomplished all
The goals I set for this year?

A question I used to ditch
Because it always bothered me
How little I had accomplished
I wasn’t any richer, slimmer, …
I wasn’t  more famous,  important, …

This year , when this question visited again

A new answer was in line
Why? Because

This time last year
I have decided
No more goals and plans
Not setting myself up
For any more
Disappointment and displeasure

Instead,

I just live my life
Listen to my living song
Doing what I feel like doing
 In the moment

Trusting myself totally
I shall succeed in whatever I do

With my worth and values
I can do no wrong

My looks, what I wear
Inside and out

Me, an image, I successfully
Created and established

My big success of 2011

Author, analyst,
Mother, sister,
Wife, friend,
God’s child and partner,
My virtues and vice
My strength and weakness

All part of this being
I totally accept and put on
This aura of mine

I AM ALIETTE.

2012-12-31

Byron Katie said: “Stress is your mind bombarding itself into you believing the thought.” (her CD ... Awakening)  How true!!!  What a perfect example I have been leading my life since my book is published!.

It’s been exactly a month since the official announcement of my book and website. Since then, I feel different.  Not in the positive direction! This, is not what I anticipated! I shouldn’t be surprised though. Whenever there is an up, there has to be a down.  That’s the way it is!

After initial heightened moments of glory, I dived into a most confused state. The nagging voice “I could make a difference” has been howling whenever it gets a chance.  I became agitated, annoyed, patronised, spiteful and edgy to those around me.  At the same time, I did nothing, except to veg out on the couch watching T.V. or developed excruciating back pain.  My addiction of running around seeking for a quick fix to ease my back pain came back in full swing.

Little did I know, my old chum, my ego, Mr. Mighty Mouse, IS BACK!! Somehow, along the ride, I made room for the sleezeball to creep in!!!

Yes, I AM SOMEBODY NOW, let’s go kick ass! I KNOW EVERYTHING NOW, I CAN HELP THOSE , and so forth!

What interesting is that once I am in such a mode, it hurts me more than anyone else; my mind, body and soul are all disconnected! I turned towards my behavioral addiction, getting angry, ill-tempered; eating my comfort food; staring at T.V. for hours; doing nothing but bitching about everyone.

In the meantime, everything is in a state of mess! My house, workspace, schedule, finance,  health etc.. Like they say, a cluttered space is a state of your muddled being: physical, emotional and spiritual!!! How true!

Oh boy, no wonder my husband has been on edge the last few weeks! Here I thought he’s going through the male M. too!!! Lol!!!

Today, I did the work (the work model by Byron Katie); and finally got some clarity. Without having any attachment of fame, fortune or approval, I can make a difference. I am making a difference to myself, family and friends in my way. Without the thought of having to be recognized, I am free to be myself, focusing on holiday season and doing what is right for me and my loved ones.

Thank goodness I turned around in time to plan for our annual Treasure Hunt event.  Such a festive season, why cancel a tradition my son and I started and treasured? My belief of his not interested in such event as he is getting older, again, hinders my living to my true self.  Who would not like to have a treasure hunt for Christmas presents?  As growing years go by, it has become challenging to top the previous year’s work of art. Yet, is this not what we strive for? As my mother’s preaching rings in the air: “Progress, don’t regress!”

Yes, Mother,  I HEARD YOU!
I did promise
This time around
You and I
Partners together
Mother and daughter
Daughter and son
Arm in arm
Spiritually linked together
Traverse on this wonderful
Of self discovery journey
No grudging, no condemning
You in heaven
Me on earth
Together we share
Our wisdom and experiences
With those whom  we can
Inspire them enough to

Make a difference !

Have you ever encountered this? Everything is under control; you waltz into work feeling great. Then, a meeting request from someone who wants to show you how to do something, and you just completely lost it!

Is this madness I am experiencing due to the big M, or really, the straw that finally, breaks the camel’s back? I pondered!

Since the weekend, I have been responding to matters in a very intense way, to matters that really are not of my concerns. Then, I must ask, why this intense feeling, as if my life depends on it if I don’t express it clearly. Where is the calm ZEN feeling that I have been practising and enjoying through my yoga practice?

Could it be reading Steve Job’s biography (Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson) has an effect on me? LOL! I am not a music lover, nor am I closed tobeing a  technology fan! It took me four months before I learnt how to roll the track wheel on the iPod correctly!  I must say, the book is extremely well written; full of North American cultural history from the sixties to present; as well as it projects a neutral report of Steve’s character. Yet, there is something more than I can pinpoint that keeps calling me back to the book. I don’t know what it is.

Knowing perfectionism can drive a person to extremities, I have since learnt and accepted what life has offered, in a contented way, or so I thought I have been very blessed from the beginning;, with my blessed family and friends, and my gift and talent; I really have it easy. So I do understand, when I have to work with people of less fortunate, I count my blessings.

Then, why such ‘BIG’ reaction to such a minor issue? In the corporate world, every now and then, we do come across such bureaucratic administration work? Is it because of my pride at stake? It really doesn’t make sense, for again, I learnt, PRIDE, EGO,cwouldn’t get me anywhere, very far. I wouldn’t even waste my energy to go there.  So, why did I want to SCREAM?

WHAT is it so fundamental it rocks my core? WHAT IS IT???

 Could this linked back to why I am in such a clutter state of being lately?

Do you ever feel like you want to make a difference? You know you can, if only you have all the credentials, the environment, the resources, ….;

So is this it??????????

Steve knew he could make a difference, and he lived, breathed in his passion until he delivered!

And why I haven’t????????????????????

And this is why I feel so overwhelmed! Why I am so frustrated, why I am so AAAAAAAAAAAARRrrrGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

To write, not to write

Feeling small, standing tall
Fat, thin, big, small
All a matter of perception

Is it that important
What’s being perceived
At the other end?

Do I have to be perfectly groomed
Before I would be loved and respected?

Yes, to a certain extent
It is of certain standard
A respectable person is perceived

Yet

Who wrote this set of standard
You, he, she or they?

Isn’t it funny
Even after the whole world approves
If I do not believe, feel or open to

I really still am
That same FAT, UGLY, STUPID gal

Whom but me have defined
YES, there is only one standard
Imposed, defined, restricted
Engaged upon me
By whom but
ME, YES,
Yours truly, ME!

NOW

After all these unearthed work
What am I going to do about it
Since my awareness doesn’t mean
My habits can flipped overnight
I have to readjust
Whatever I set out to do
One step at a time
I can only but
ENJOY THE PROCESS

Every step brings a thrill
A symbol of living
Even if there is setback
I have yet to remember
I am still alive

Instead of trying so hard with
All the “I should”
Really, I AM,

Letting MY standard go
Up-scaling MY self-worth
Be open to what comes along
Seize every breath
Beware of each motion
That, a sign of living

Stay free!

LIVE!

In my book, I talked about how I finally made peace with myself by accepting the good, bad and ugly side of me. And I said accepting the good is the easiest!!!

Little did I know, there really are two sides of everything. Convincing myself  of my virtues was easy on a conscious level; while accepting my vice was difficult. However, at a deeper level, surprise, surprise, it is totally opposite.

This is too complex to comprehend. I am not trying to understand; because, I know, after this extensive journey, trying to make sense out of life in a methodical manner is giving my ex-lover, ego, aka, Mighty Mouse, an excuse for a vacation.  I have since waved him off to a nice retirement home. I can do without his visit these days.

After all this writing and soul searching, you would have thought acknowledging my gift as an inspirational writer, a funny storyteller, is no second thought to me. Yet, lately, I noticed, every time someone exclaimed about my accomplishment of publishing my book, my instant response is always like this:

With a lopsided stand and a shrug, I would shake my head and say “NO BIG DEAL! Anyone can write!”

What a way to discredit my work! Can you believe that?

Of the writing workshops I have taken last few years; one thing I had trouble admitting was that I was a brave woman to continue with my journey. Every time my mentor praised me for my courage, I just shrugged it off to another ‘NO BIG DEAL! Anyone could have done it! “

It’s only through last year that I came to realize, NO, IT IS BIG DEAL! I tried to share what I did on my journey with a couple of friends, and they could not further pursue their journey. The process is long, slow, painful and frustrated. It’s like walking on pebbles and thorns, and your feet get poked constantly. It really is much easier to look the other way and shy away from the truth.

YES, I AM A VERY BRAVE WOMAN!

In order to educate at my cell level about accepting and feeling the good side of me, I am starting an exercise with my support group on journaling all the good qualities of me. Thanks to my friend who suggested it first! In order to make this work, I would have to repeat this exercise for about a month, something to do with it take about 21 days to kick or develop a new habit. So, if you are shying away from receiving a compliment, I invite you to join me on this conversion exercise!!

This is it! I have announced it to the world! My book and my website!

On 2011-11-11, superstition led me to wait for this day! HAHAHA! So after all this, I thought I was free at last! Nevertheless, anything that brings GOOD luck, well, I still allow myself a leeway to fall! I AM HUMAN AFTER ALL!!!

One would have though, t I would be exhilarating over this announcement! When asked yesterday after she saw my book: “You must be excited over this. How do you feel?” My mind drew a blank. I have disengaged myself from feelings for such a long time I still haven’t been able to let loose, without making a conscious effort.

So to my readers out there, my apology! Yes, I feel complete now that I have freed myself from all aspects of self imprisonment I had imposed the lock on myself. However, I have yet unleashed all negative cells from my body in order to respond naturally in a positive state. I reckon, this is a life long process; and I have yet to repeat this journey time and again. Good news is that I have gone through this process once, the next process would be easier and quicker; and so the next.

So, after conscious shifting into this new found freedom to a positive state, I feel SOLID! That’s the first word that came to me!

Yes, such an abstract feeling, my friend!


None of those ornamental uplifted feelings 
 When I clung onto 
   A word of praise, a nod of approval!
At the same time,
Neither of those awful heavy feelings 
 Deep rooted my feet below the ground.
Just plain SOLID me!!!

I have substance 
  In and out, 
   No more or less, 
     Just being ME!

Do I feel disappointed? 

To a certain extent

Yet

I am living in the present
Feeling, tasting, savoring
Every vision, sound, fragrance
Wouldn’t trade it for the world!

Today, NOW,
I am 52,
At this very moment,
Never feel any younger
Fresher, ALIVE


I thank GOD for such
A VIVID birthday present
I see, hear, smell and taste
This very lively endowment
Bestowed upon this tiny self
Me, my life, I live!!!

Let’s celebrate!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Aliette Mau
2011-11-12

Welcome to my blog, where my intention is to share inspirational writing and "food for thought" for every woman on their journey of looking for true freedom, happiness and love.