Have you ever encountered this? Everything is under control; you waltz into work feeling great. Then, a meeting request from someone who wants to show you how to do something, and you just completely lost it!

Is this madness I am experiencing due to the big M, or really, the straw that finally, breaks the camel’s back? I pondered!

Since the weekend, I have been responding to matters in a very intense way, to matters that really are not of my concerns. Then, I must ask, why this intense feeling, as if my life depends on it if I don’t express it clearly. Where is the calm ZEN feeling that I have been practising and enjoying through my yoga practice?

Could it be reading Steve Job’s biography (Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson) has an effect on me? LOL! I am not a music lover, nor am I closed tobeing a  technology fan! It took me four months before I learnt how to roll the track wheel on the iPod correctly!  I must say, the book is extremely well written; full of North American cultural history from the sixties to present; as well as it projects a neutral report of Steve’s character. Yet, there is something more than I can pinpoint that keeps calling me back to the book. I don’t know what it is.

Knowing perfectionism can drive a person to extremities, I have since learnt and accepted what life has offered, in a contented way, or so I thought I have been very blessed from the beginning;, with my blessed family and friends, and my gift and talent; I really have it easy. So I do understand, when I have to work with people of less fortunate, I count my blessings.

Then, why such ‘BIG’ reaction to such a minor issue? In the corporate world, every now and then, we do come across such bureaucratic administration work? Is it because of my pride at stake? It really doesn’t make sense, for again, I learnt, PRIDE, EGO,cwouldn’t get me anywhere, very far. I wouldn’t even waste my energy to go there.  So, why did I want to SCREAM?

WHAT is it so fundamental it rocks my core? WHAT IS IT???

 Could this linked back to why I am in such a clutter state of being lately?

Do you ever feel like you want to make a difference? You know you can, if only you have all the credentials, the environment, the resources, ….;

So is this it??????????

Steve knew he could make a difference, and he lived, breathed in his passion until he delivered!

And why I haven’t????????????????????

And this is why I feel so overwhelmed! Why I am so frustrated, why I am so AAAAAAAAAAAARRrrrGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

To write, not to write

Feeling small, standing tall
Fat, thin, big, small
All a matter of perception

Is it that important
What’s being perceived
At the other end?

Do I have to be perfectly groomed
Before I would be loved and respected?

Yes, to a certain extent
It is of certain standard
A respectable person is perceived

Yet

Who wrote this set of standard
You, he, she or they?

Isn’t it funny
Even after the whole world approves
If I do not believe, feel or open to

I really still am
That same FAT, UGLY, STUPID gal

Whom but me have defined
YES, there is only one standard
Imposed, defined, restricted
Engaged upon me
By whom but
ME, YES,
Yours truly, ME!

NOW

After all these unearthed work
What am I going to do about it
Since my awareness doesn’t mean
My habits can flipped overnight
I have to readjust
Whatever I set out to do
One step at a time
I can only but
ENJOY THE PROCESS

Every step brings a thrill
A symbol of living
Even if there is setback
I have yet to remember
I am still alive

Instead of trying so hard with
All the “I should”
Really, I AM,

Letting MY standard go
Up-scaling MY self-worth
Be open to what comes along
Seize every breath
Beware of each motion
That, a sign of living

Stay free!

LIVE!

In my book, I talked about how I finally made peace with myself by accepting the good, bad and ugly side of me. And I said accepting the good is the easiest!!!

Little did I know, there really are two sides of everything. Convincing myself  of my virtues was easy on a conscious level; while accepting my vice was difficult. However, at a deeper level, surprise, surprise, it is totally opposite.

This is too complex to comprehend. I am not trying to understand; because, I know, after this extensive journey, trying to make sense out of life in a methodical manner is giving my ex-lover, ego, aka, Mighty Mouse, an excuse for a vacation.  I have since waved him off to a nice retirement home. I can do without his visit these days.

After all this writing and soul searching, you would have thought acknowledging my gift as an inspirational writer, a funny storyteller, is no second thought to me. Yet, lately, I noticed, every time someone exclaimed about my accomplishment of publishing my book, my instant response is always like this:

With a lopsided stand and a shrug, I would shake my head and say “NO BIG DEAL! Anyone can write!”

What a way to discredit my work! Can you believe that?

Of the writing workshops I have taken last few years; one thing I had trouble admitting was that I was a brave woman to continue with my journey. Every time my mentor praised me for my courage, I just shrugged it off to another ‘NO BIG DEAL! Anyone could have done it! “

It’s only through last year that I came to realize, NO, IT IS BIG DEAL! I tried to share what I did on my journey with a couple of friends, and they could not further pursue their journey. The process is long, slow, painful and frustrated. It’s like walking on pebbles and thorns, and your feet get poked constantly. It really is much easier to look the other way and shy away from the truth.

YES, I AM A VERY BRAVE WOMAN!

In order to educate at my cell level about accepting and feeling the good side of me, I am starting an exercise with my support group on journaling all the good qualities of me. Thanks to my friend who suggested it first! In order to make this work, I would have to repeat this exercise for about a month, something to do with it take about 21 days to kick or develop a new habit. So, if you are shying away from receiving a compliment, I invite you to join me on this conversion exercise!!

This is it! I have announced it to the world! My book and my website!

On 2011-11-11, superstition led me to wait for this day! HAHAHA! So after all this, I thought I was free at last! Nevertheless, anything that brings GOOD luck, well, I still allow myself a leeway to fall! I AM HUMAN AFTER ALL!!!

One would have though, t I would be exhilarating over this announcement! When asked yesterday after she saw my book: “You must be excited over this. How do you feel?” My mind drew a blank. I have disengaged myself from feelings for such a long time I still haven’t been able to let loose, without making a conscious effort.

So to my readers out there, my apology! Yes, I feel complete now that I have freed myself from all aspects of self imprisonment I had imposed the lock on myself. However, I have yet unleashed all negative cells from my body in order to respond naturally in a positive state. I reckon, this is a life long process; and I have yet to repeat this journey time and again. Good news is that I have gone through this process once, the next process would be easier and quicker; and so the next.

So, after conscious shifting into this new found freedom to a positive state, I feel SOLID! That’s the first word that came to me!

Yes, such an abstract feeling, my friend!


None of those ornamental uplifted feelings 
 When I clung onto 
   A word of praise, a nod of approval!
At the same time,
Neither of those awful heavy feelings 
 Deep rooted my feet below the ground.
Just plain SOLID me!!!

I have substance 
  In and out, 
   No more or less, 
     Just being ME!

Do I feel disappointed? 

To a certain extent

Yet

I am living in the present
Feeling, tasting, savoring
Every vision, sound, fragrance
Wouldn’t trade it for the world!

Today, NOW,
I am 52,
At this very moment,
Never feel any younger
Fresher, ALIVE


I thank GOD for such
A VIVID birthday present
I see, hear, smell and taste
This very lively endowment
Bestowed upon this tiny self
Me, my life, I live!!!

Let’s celebrate!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Aliette Mau
2011-11-12