It’s been exactly a month since the official announcement of my book and website. Since then, I feel different. Not in the positive direction! This, is not what I anticipated! I shouldn’t be surprised though. Whenever there is an up, there has to be a down. That’s the way it is!
After initial heightened moments of glory, I dived into a most confused state. The nagging voice “I could make a difference” has been howling whenever it gets a chance. I became agitated, annoyed, patronised, spiteful and edgy to those around me. At the same time, I did nothing, except to veg out on the couch watching T.V. or developed excruciating back pain. My addiction of running around seeking for a quick fix to ease my back pain came back in full swing.
Little did I know, my old chum, my ego, Mr. Mighty Mouse, IS BACK!! Somehow, along the ride, I made room for the sleezeball to creep in!!!
Yes, I AM SOMEBODY NOW, let’s go kick ass! I KNOW EVERYTHING NOW, I CAN HELP THOSE , and so forth!
What interesting is that once I am in such a mode, it hurts me more than anyone else; my mind, body and soul are all disconnected! I turned towards my behavioral addiction, getting angry, ill-tempered; eating my comfort food; staring at T.V. for hours; doing nothing but bitching about everyone.
In the meantime, everything is in a state of mess! My house, workspace, schedule, finance, health etc.. Like they say, a cluttered space is a state of your muddled being: physical, emotional and spiritual!!! How true!
Oh boy, no wonder my husband has been on edge the last few weeks! Here I thought he’s going through the male M. too!!! Lol!!!
Today, I did the work (the work model by Byron Katie); and finally got some clarity. Without having any attachment of fame, fortune or approval, I can make a difference. I am making a difference to myself, family and friends in my way. Without the thought of having to be recognized, I am free to be myself, focusing on holiday season and doing what is right for me and my loved ones.
Thank goodness I turned around in time to plan for our annual Treasure Hunt event. Such a festive season, why cancel a tradition my son and I started and treasured? My belief of his not interested in such event as he is getting older, again, hinders my living to my true self. Who would not like to have a treasure hunt for Christmas presents? As growing years go by, it has become challenging to top the previous year’s work of art. Yet, is this not what we strive for? As my mother’s preaching rings in the air: “Progress, don’t regress!”
Yes, Mother, I HEARD YOU!
I did promise
This time around
You and I
Mother and daughter
Daughter and son
Arm in arm
Spiritually linked together
Traverse on this wonderful
Of self discovery journey
No grudging, no condemning
You in heaven
Me on earth
Together we share
Our wisdom and experiences
With those whom we can
Inspire them enough to
Make a difference !